Software engineer position at

May 15, 2019 (418 words) :: A fictional email from a technical recruiter looking for software engineers to build tools to help extract more work out of serfs.
Tags: working-in-tech, fiction

This post is day 135 of a personal challenge to write every day in 2019. See the other fragments, or sign up for my weekly newsletter.

Hi Wendy,

I hope you’re having a great day. I came across your profile on Tinder and wanted to introduce myself. My name is Steve McDichael and I’m a Technical Recruiting Partner for

At this time, we have a great opportunity* for a Software Engineering role with the Digital Overseer team in our Provider Operations department. The team is developing a revolutionary new technology to improve our efficiency in extracting work from Providers on our platform, thereby increasing satisfaction for our Customers. It’s a small team, and an elite one (kind of like the Navy Seals of, which means we’re only considering applicants who are passionate about our mission, and who have a track record of building tools to help the extremely powerful maintain their illegitimate hold on power. A B.S. in Computer Science is also a plus.

The team is filled with rockstars who have experience at world-class companies like WitchHunt, SlaveX, Genocidr and Palantir Technologies. Furthermore, the team reports directly to the CEO, who has an MBA from the Bowser School of Business at Tyrant University.

We’re still just a few months out of seed stage, but we’ve already secured several billion in funding from King Henry VI, Joffrey Baratheon, Darth Vader, and the sovereign wealth fund of Saudi Arabia. In the last six months, we’ve doubled our Customer count and have already saved them millions through AI-powered regulatory arbitrage as well as execution recommendations for Dissenting Providers. In the next six months, we are hoping to roll out our cutting-edge automated whipping prototype, which has been successful in trials and which will allow us to more quickly scale up to meet customer demand.

Our compensation packages are highly competitive, and we offer great benefits that go above and beyond other companies. We have fully-stocked microkitchens as well as daily breakfast, lunch and dinner, lovingly prepared and served by our in-house serfs; we have weekly prima nocta nights; we have frequent team bonding events including a live darts game featuring the most impertinent Providers. You can also bring your dog to the office.

I’m sure you’re busy, but if this sounds like an opportunity you’d be interested in, I would love to hop on the phone with you and give you a better sense of what we’re looking for. You can reach me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Yours sincerely, Steve McDichael

*This is a contract position for 3 months; a full-time employment offer is not guaranteed, as it depends on performance as well as culture fit.

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